Sometimes
by Rainbow Dust
Summary: Sirius/Marlene. Angsty. Swearwords. "Sometimes I just really miss you."


**A/N**: Felt the need for more angst – not like there isn't plenty of that in this fandom.

To clear things up for those of you that read my other fiction, my computer is broken – again – so I haven't been updating my fics. Because I suck. No, really I just hate updating in this computer, because it's seriously sucky. I want mine back.

So, this fic is kind of angsty and random. Not sure why I wrote it. I hope you like it.

I miss those blue eyes,

how you'd kiss me at night.

I miss the way we'd sleep

like there's no sunrise

like the taste of your smile.

I miss the way we breathed.

But I never told you,

what I should've have said.

No I never told you

I just held it in.

And now I miss everything about you.

- _Never Told You_ by Colbie Caillat

* * *

Sometimes

Sirius Black & Marlene McKinnon

Sometimes I just really miss you, you know? And it's fucking stupid. And I don't know why the fuck I do.

You're gone. You're not coming back. You left me.

You could've stayed, you know? You were never supposed to be one of those that left.

Because bloody hell, McKinnon, you always lived through it all.

You and I had a plan! Do you remember that? Well you fucking seemed to have forgotten it.

We were going to bloody _live_. Remember?

We weren't supposed to be able to die.

But you bloody had to prove us wrong didn't you? You always do.

It's because I said it, isn't it? Because you asked me what if we'd die and I said we wouldn't. So you had to prove me wrong, like every fucking time.

This time you just should've let me bloody win.

...

Sometimes I just really hate you, you know? Just like old times, when I couldn't bloody stand you. But then I end up wishing you were here so I'd have you to not stand, but then I just bloody remember that you're not. It's fucked up, McKinnon.

It's more fucked up that we were. I swear. I didn't even think that was possible, for life to get any more fucked up.

And the feelings, everything I felt for you. _That _was bloody fucked up. This is _more _fucked up.

Do you even get how that works? No, I don't either.

I just know it's your fault.

...

Sometimes I just go to your grave and then I bloody regret it ten seconds later.

Your gravestone is one of those ridiculously white ones.

Those that stand for 'purity' or something stupid. Innocence? I don't know. Maybe they don+t stand for anything.

But it's shit. You were never innocent or pure.

You were never white. That would've been too simple, and bloody hell, you were never simple.

But I guess they can't really get a bright red headstone?

Besides it would remind everyone of your blo-

...

Sometimes I replay it in my head. Why do I fucking do that? I can see you, again and again, just as vividly as I did, your red blood everywhere.

You'd hope that when you die, battling dark wizards, they'd just use the killing curse on you, wouldn't you?

But no, they had to make sure it took time, that it was messy, that it hurt.

I didn't want to touch you.

I didn't want to hold you.

I didn't want to say goodbye.

I didn't want to let you leave.

They all did, you know? Lily, James, Alice, Emmeline, Mary – they all just... said goodbye, said it was 'okay'. That it was okay for you to leave.

It bloody fucking wasn't.

It bloody fucking still isn't!

...

Sometimes I wonder why you did it. How did you _dare _to do it to me? How did you dare to leave? To make me go through all of this!

Is it bloody payback?

For everything I did to you?

Because I never apologized?

If I apologize will you come back?

Would it even matter?

...

Sometimes I think you've made me weak. I _know _you made me weak. Because nothing has ever felt like this, not even the times where you really annoyed me or went to fuck someone else. Not even when you dated someone else, not even when you _loved _someone.

I think you're doing this to punish me, I think you knew how it would make me feel and that's why you left me.

I probably deserve it, too.

I never apologized.

I used you.

I didn't regret it.

I did again. And again. And again.

I flirted with all of them in front of you.

I hurt you.

I never told you what you wanted to hear.

You never heard it.

Because you left.

You left to punish me.

_Stop_ punishing me and come back.

I'll apologize.

I'll mean it.

I'll be weak.

Just come back.

_Please._

_..._

Sometimes I think I loved you. I would've probably never told you, maybe if I'd been given the chance.

Maybe if I was really sure.

There was just always so much to lose.

I don't know if to be glad that I never told you.

Imagine telling you and then have you fucking die.

Would you have lived had I told you?

Would it have mattered?

Probably not, you always have to prove me wrong.

...

Sometimes I just _always_ miss you.

Sometimes I just _always_ think about you.

Sometimes I just _always_ hate you.

Sometimes I just _always_ love you.

Sometimes I just wish it mattered.

* * *

**A/N:** Not really sure why I wrote it. But I did. Probably because it's been so long since I wrote Blackinnon/Marlius. Dont wanna lose my touch.


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